The Case For Hot Pockets

by Becks

Hot Pockets will always have a place in my refrigerator because they are the perfect post-drinking food. You know how it is – you go out, have a few drinks with your friends, and you stumble home starving. At that hour and in that state, only something starchy and greasy will do and Hot Pockets are the perfect thing to fill you up and satisfy your drunken cravings.

* They’re cheap! A 2-pack of Hot Pockets costs only about $3.50. You’ll easily spend $20 to order Manny & Olga’s at that hour.

* They’re quick! Hot Pockets are out of the microwave in 3 minutes. That pizza will take 30 minutes to be delivered and, even with a hookup at Ben’s Chili Bowl, you’ll spend 10-15 minutes waiting for your order. Less time waiting for food = more time for sleeping or…other late night activities.

* They’re relatively nutritious! A pepperoni pizza Lean Pocket has 280 calories. Jumbo Slice has over 1300 calories!

So laugh away, Mr. European Businessman. They may not be high cuisine but some of the best nights of my life have ended with Hot Pockets.

9 responses to “The Case For Hot Pockets

  1. Pingback: Hot Pockets Whatevs… « The Internet Food Association

  2. Hot pockets are nasty.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hot_Pockets

    Comedian Jim Gaffigan has a routine dedicated to Hot Pockets, in which he talks extensively about their white trash ethos, the fact that their centers are either frozen or “boiling lava hot”, their alleged tendency to give the eater diarrhea, the contents of Hot Pockets (from “nasty meat” to more Hot Pockets), the introduction of the Breakfast Hot Pockets (“Finally you can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be dead by dinner. Dead Pocket”), and the product’s jingle, which he sings often in an odd falsetto voice.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw7xPaL56Ow

  3. I second the Jim Gaffigan reference. There’s no way around the fact that Hot Pockets are nasty. What flavor they have is more similar to what you imagine the buildup on the inside of your freezer to taste like than a combination of dough + cheese + other good stuff.

    That said, homemade hot pocket-like things can be very tasty. But Hot Pockets the trademarked brand….nasty, nasty, nasty.

  4. fasteddie beat me to the youtube link. deadpocket…

  5. A lack of calories does not make an item nutritious, nor does it seem that hot pockets had any sway on the quality of your evenings.

    Hot pockets remain as one of the least palatable foods consumed by man.

  6. If you stay with the meatball variety they’re perfect for the aformentioned purposes. It’s the chicken and other meats that get funky….

  7. Re: RowanRising
    For me, the problem isn’t the meat filling. It’s the “dough” and “cheese”. Both of which should be wonderful, but instead taking on that horrible metallic/chemical taste in the form of a Hot Pocket.

    /shudder

  8. Are there really no defenders of Hot Pockets? True, one may notice that they have a propensity to burn your mouth, leak a toxic orange oil onto the plate and contain pepperoni that looks suspiciously like checkers, but all those out-of-context facts ignore the beautiful forest to ridicule the trees. In fact, we need to congratulate Hot Pockets for this overwhelming truth: they are inexplicably, impossibly delicious. It’s as if the girl with the giant underbite that sat by herself at the high school lunch table slept with the homeless guy who yells at cars, and their baby was a star quarterback. Or a strained analogy ate a run-on sentence and shat out a poem. The point is that Hot Pockets are wonderful against all odds, so why naysay when we could all learn from their doughy example?

  9. Hot Pockets are a wonderful guilty pleasure; they fill in excellently when one’s imagination fails (especially after drinking; if I still went out regularly I might stock a reserve), they’re easy to eat with minimal mess, and southeast Michigan grocery chain Hiller’s sells 2-packs for $2.00 every few weeks. Little not to love. I find single Hot Pockets go very well with a decent salad (especially if you eat the latter first and swish the cut-up portions of the HP in the greasy slime of whatever dressing you used).

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