By Spencer Ackerman
I keep an irregular sleep schedule — three to four hours at a time, another hour awake, another asleep, etc. — and so I require a fair amount of artificial stimulation. Sometime around last year coffee stopped doing it for me. In a panic, I took more drastic measures: my morning routine typically involves two Red Bulls and then a cup of coffee. To take the edge off.
I consider myself a RB connaisseur. Regular is kind of a gamble, in both taste and intensity. Sugarless is the best — easiest to drink, far less cloying, milder in flavor. The heart palpitations are the biggest problem. Sometimes you can feel an additional… push, you might say, in your chest. That’s what I like to call the Horns of the Bull. Often the Bull bucks when you’ve consumed two cans in under an hour. I don’t recommend doing that, but if you do, you just have to ride out the effects.
Today I discovered at the 7-Eleven something I’d only heard about in rumors: Red Bull Simply Cola. Strong & Natural goes the tagline on the 12 oz red-silver-and-blue can. That’s about half-right. Right now I have drunk about half the can and the Horns are pretty sharp. I just felt a throb in a vein of my forearm. I’m not going to lie: I’m a little alarmed. But if I have an ironclad belief in one thing, it’s that hospitals are for pussies, so I’m going to ride this out, like I advised above. But maybe you shouldn’t buy this product.