Top Chef Week 5 Liveblog!

Ezra, Miller, and Becks this week.

10:00 PM it’s go time
we’ve got team hobart and a flophouse rep here tonight
Becks: GO FLOPHOUSE
10:01 PM Ezra: Hey Ben
Isn’t that cute?
Ben: isn’t what cute?
Ezra: How they’re all like “go Flophouse!”
10:02 PM Becks: Liveblogging is going to be rough this week. So full of delicious food.
Thanks to Ben, who made some incredible chicken tikka masala
I can’t handle Melissa’s bangs
Ben: does anyone else think melissa looks kind of like a bad linda hamilton circa terminator 1?
Ezra: Did anyone else notice that there’s actually a “ching!” sound effect when Jeff(rey!) winks the in opening credits?
Ben: Stefan not only cooks, he sews
Ezra: Ariane should mention her age more often.
10:03 PM Ben: i hear she might be 41
Becks: Jamie is adorable
Ben: and that might make her 8,000 years older than everyone else
i really think they need a moratorium on dumb t-shirts
Ezra: Can Stefan turn Jamie by the end of Top Chef?
Ben: pigtailed padma
fabio looks intrigued
Ezra: She’s a lesbian, but he’s a European, which is sort of like being a girl.
Becks: Fabio gives great face
10:04 PM Ben: in that they both like women?
Hosea with the backhanded compliment
Becks: I wouldn’t give someone with that beard credit for having a brain
Ezra: Hosea just complimented Lawn Guyland for having “more of a brain than people give him credit for.” Ouch.
Ben: that’s the cred you get when you don’t go to culinary school
10:05 PM Becks: QUICKFIRE
Ben: if you took hosea’s facial hair, I think you could fill in the gaps in Danny’s hair
and get one complete ugly beard
Ezra: Sauce taste off!
Ben: i bet there’s oil in it
Becks: name that tune-style
Ben: lawn guyland can’t follow rules
10:06 PM Becks: name that tuna
Ben: are they all tasting the same thing?
Becks: thankyoui’llbehereallweek
Ben: WAIT! they put salt in things?
10:07 PM Becks: salt pepper oil
BULLSHIT
Ben: salt and pepper should not count
nor should olive oil
unfortunately that backwards hat doesn’t cover those ridiculous bangs
10:08 PM Becks: go crazy carla!
Ben: carla looked like a happy dinosaur
Becks: I’m rooting for her IN MY MIND
Ezra: Carla: “I have a good palette. I can think of an ingredient and taste it IN MY MIND.”
Ben: how come they don’t have to say table or kosher salt?
stefan looks so cocky
Becks: but he brought it
Ezra: Stefan is a G!
10:09 PM Becks: we need to get Stefan a cat
to stroke evil-genius style
Ben: i think they should make them spell the ingredients too
ok, who can name things in mole?
10:10 PM Becks: this is kind of unfair for people depending on the linup
Ben: cacao?
Becks: although Carla managed to screw it up big time
Ezra: Stefan/Hosea showdown
I’m rooting for Hosea
GO AMERICA!
10:11 PM Hosea takes it.
Becks: debating whether corn oil and vegetable oil are the same
what vegetables are in veggie oil>?
Ben: gail likes pickle
that’s what we have to look forward to
Becks: somebody google that while I put up the post
Ezra: Commercials note
10:12 PM My mom is was a real housewife in Orange County. She would not have fit into the Bravo show, to say the least.

10:14 PM Ben: apparently it’s about 85% soybean oil. at least in the United State
s
apparently the other ones are listed in prominence on the label, but can include soy, peanut, corn, etc
10:17 PM i hear satan means a mean curry
10:18 PM i’m disappointed that it’s only a bridal shower so we don’t get to see anyone make a wedding cake
Becks: the men are all crushed that Gail is off the office
damn
off the market
with satan’s mean curry
Ezra: I think Hosea is wrong. Lawn Guyland is retarded. And I think Gail just implied all her friends are fat.
Ben: Gail is name dropping
10:19 PM “we are borrowing from your culture”
Becks: yeah, I think they will start wondering if you can cook something else
Ben Miller, by the way, can cook some Indian
Ben: i like how radhika keeps pulling the “i don’t want to be known as the person who can only cook Indian”, who then only cooks Indian
10:20 PM Becks: blueberries?
pickled?
Ben: blueberries are kind of purplish
Ezra: Lawn guyland: I know that Gail likes pickles.
Becks: they’re bluer than fish
Ben: they should make pickled blueberries
Ezra: I expected him to go for a high five.
Ben: a pickled surf and turf
Becks: I really object to meat in sushi
it always sounds good but ends up tasting like crap
10:21 PM Ben: carla should have turned to her spirit guides to give her the strength to speak up
Becks: love some fried green tomato
Hosea’s kind of a whiny bitch
Ben: how does one do a tomato carpaccio?
thinly slice some tomatoes?
i could do that with my mandolin
10:22 PM Ezra: Dude
Stefan really is an ass
I’ve really eaten too much food.
Ben: so which one of you is buying me an authentic top chef shirt for christmas?

Ezra: Nope. Wouldn’t an industrial size toaster oven just be an…oven?
10:24 PM Ben: one would think
10:26 PM Becks: Oh man, we had the best scotch eggs at commonwealth
Ben: he’s not making his own?
Becks: They should get some of those big eggs again and scotch them
Ben: shockingly, none of the cheftestants respond when carla uses the call she and her husband share
10:27 PM Becks: but they’re kind of crazy
are you there?
Ben: You’ve been invited to this chat room!
Becks: can you hear me now?
Ben: yup
10:28 PM Becks: OK. I might have missed some of your comments due to technical difficulties
10:29 PM Ben: You’ve been invited to this chat room!
HOODY
Ezra: HOO!
But it’s almost certainly “hootie”
like “hoot”
Ben: like the blowfish?
Ezra: which is what you’re doing
Becks: My aunt and uncle use the hootie hoot call like that, in earnest
but they’re kinda nuts
10:30 PM Ben: is carla your aunt?
Becks: on the lookout for foreshadowing
“made it a million times” usually = FAIL
10:31 PM Ben: that is a hell of a rice cooker
Becks: Spencer claims his wife is transsexual
Ezra: peach-miso barbecue sauce sounds potentially awesome
Ben: I think you mean Eugene’s
Becks: why chilean sea bass?
Ezra: Eugene is a personal chef for rich people.
Becks: that’s not special
Ezra: His poorer-than-thou schtick is grating.
10:32 PM Becks: note: Spencer’s wife is not a transsexual.
The other guy’s is
Kay is skeptical of tomato sorbet
Ben: Ficke defends it
Becks: Matt and I come to the defense, having had delicious tomato sorbet at Minibar
Ben: i’m agnostic having never had it
but i do like gazpacho
it’s amazing how often they screw rice up
10:33 PM Becks: there is NO SUCH THING as blue food
according to Tom
blue corn flower is smart
Ben: i think if Sara were here, she’d also point out there is lots of blue food
if they are borrowing Ariane’s talent, they aren’t going far
10:34 PM Becks: Tom is very skeptical of the surf and turf sushi
Ben: Tom’s face reads “trainwreck”
Becks: which he should be
Ben: to recap: a cooked sushi roll, with a “special fusion” bbq sauce, and a tomato sorbet
“I’ll let you guys cook” and “screw up the whole challenge”
10:35 PM Becks: married twice to the same woman?
well
Ezra: I’m really learning a lot about Stefan this week.
For instance: He’s impossible to love.
10:36 PM Becks: That’s a lot of olive oil
Ben: if the texture of your rice is bad
how can adding flavors fix that?
Becks: also, this is the night before, right?
10:37 PM how can letting the rice say overnight make it better>?
or is it later that day?
Ben: mmm crap mixed in your mouth
i think it is the night before
Becks: oh no
Ben: lawn guyland bodybuilder
Becks: people don’t want to build their own sushi
at a party
Ezra: Eugene is letting the guests build their own sushi rolls
Ben: you know what you call making your own sushi roll?
a buffet table
Ezra: Lawn Guyland is slavishly complimenting him
these people are FUCKED.
10:38 PM Ben: why is he lifting weights in his chef’s outfit?
Becks: of course lawn guyland would think it’s a great idea
he thought that facial hair was a great ida
Ezra: I have a brilliant idea for a restaurant!
10:39 PM Ben: well if you’re going to go home, might as well go for it
Ezra: There’ll be, like, a fridge. With food in it.
And a stove.
Becks: deconstructed surf and turf sushi
Ezra: And people can just make whatever they want!
Ben: can we call it my house on a weeknight?

10:41 PM ezra may be on the verge of passing out from laughing at Spencer doing his lawn guyland voice
Ezra: I want to note
I am literally in tears
of laughter
over this plan
Ben: Kay notes that Amanda totally would have snorted at that exchange
10:42 PM Ezra: I really want to get the YouTube of Lawn Guyland weightlifting and complimenting Eugene’s DIY concept.
Becks:Jamie and Stefan should totally have hate sex
Ezra: And watch it when I feel blue
Ben: why is carla taking part in that exchange?
Ezra: Sexual harassment interlude.
Ben: brought to you by swanson
10:43 PM Becks:We’re debating whether people are sleeping together
but they aren’t allowed to sleep together
Ben: and celebrity chef i’m only on commercials Christopher Lee
Becks:it’s in the rules because they aren’t tested for STDs, like on dating shows
10:44 PM Ben: so those people on blind date DON’T have STDs?
no way
Becks:hahaha
The group decides says they could masterbate in front of each other
Ben: do they test on cheaters?
food, love life, IFA has it all
10:45 PM Becks:oh
Ben: leah likes hosea so much she wants to stab him
Becks:and they have bfs/gfs back home
10:46 PM Ben: i bet leah’s boyfriend is loving watching this
Becks:I thought he said you don’t want a piece of the bride before the wedding
Ben: Ariane’s commentary is so top notch she could be a cable pundit
10:47 PM Becks:yeah, their food doesn’t match that ambiance
I think some of them thought it was going to be milling around at stations
Ben: i wonder if gail really wanted to invite padma
10:48 PM Becks:Gail could totally take Padma
if she needed o
Ezra: No problem.
Becks:She’d totally cut her
Ben: Tom a Bear Pope
10:49 PM Becks:instead of a sorbet they could have done an aspic
tomato aspic would totally be a shower type food
Ezra: That’s a lot of lady.
Becks:and a traditional (and, therefore, old) recipe
Ben: I think if I were naming a restaurant, i wouldn’t call it Dilidio
that’s one I away from hilarity
Becks:more watermelon + tomato
10:50 PM which Spencer really objects to
Ben: much like Senators sausages at the nats ballpark is an apostrophe away from some pissed off fans
sorbet ftw
Becks:oh man
make your own sushi much worse at a sit down than at a buffet
Ben: how many times are we about to hear the “uh oh” Bravo noise?
10:51 PM Ezra: I get the feeling many of these chefs have dysfunctional personal lives.
Ben: Lawn Guyland is putting magic mushrooms on the plate
Ezra: Eugene, for instance, believe his “make your own sushi” station a metaphor for Gail’s “choice” to get along with her new husband’s family…or not
Becks:this looks like a total trainwreck
Ezra: And Lawn Guyland adds some splooge to his dish.
Ben: and we offiially have the first reference of “splooge” on top chef
Ezra: I really don’t know what to say.
save
Ben: HOOTY!
10:52 PM Ezra: “splooge.”
Becks: from this cookbook, I’m sure
10:53 PM Ben: i’m thinking if you have to tell people how to eat the dish
you’ve got a problem
is that a real book?
Becks:real book!
Ben: “Ariane has been all over the place”
Becks:that soup is an unreal color
10:54 PM Ezra: The second review is brilliant
“This was the book I’d been waiting for. I eagerly started creating and storing the ingredients for the trifle I was planning to serve in a month at my Grandparents Ruby anniversary – scaling up the measurements for the forty guests. However, when the time came to make the trifle I discovered my eyesight had faded so badly that I could no longer read the recipe. Suffice to say the end result of my blind culinary improvisation severely disappointed my guests at the end of an otherwise delicious meal. ”
Ben: don’t you want rare lamb?
10:55 PM i thought these women take their salad dressing on the side
err rather, don’t
Ezra: Top Chef teamwork!
Becks:compared to the previous course, this is gonna look great
even if they served splooge
Ben: “we borrowed from the non-white one”
Ezra: Imagine if Radika were black
Becks:every time they say they’re borrowing from her culture, it’s SO AWKWARD
Ezra: and they’re “borrowed” from her culture.
10:56 PM Ben: i’m intrigued by smoked paprika oil
Becks:why would you serve sea bass>?
that’s totally boring
Ben: i trust fabio and his seasoning? or, I want to throw him under the bus later?
Becks:although you’re allowed to serve it now
10:57 PM it’s no longer endangered, I read
but still – meh
Ben: i think chilean sea bass still is
chilean sea bass is delicious
i believe regular sea bass is very similar to slamon
Becks:I just read it like last week
Ben: Fabio uses science to impress the women
10:58 PM Ezra: some roasted zweet corn puree and zwiss chard.
Becks:Gail agrees
Ezra: Tom looks so lonely back there, furtively inhaling the food on his own.
Becks:to fill the pain
Ben: have you ever seen how tom uses silverware?
it’s surgical
and scary

11:04 PM Ben: You’ve been invited to this chat room!
she’s also always the bridesmaid because there’s only two states jamie can get married
11:05 PM Becks: and now the sucky teams
dude, it’s rice
Ben: i think this is going to be Eugene or Danny
Becks: throw it out
Ben: going home
11:06 PM Ezra: I’ll note
Becks: Oh, Daniel. You were happy?
Ezra: that we saw Daniel working out earlier in the show.
Not just happy
“Incredibly happy.”
Ben: I think i would pay money to just watch Fabio’s facial expressions throughout the whole show
Ezra: Lawn Guyland is in trouble.
Becks: Lawn Guyland is all in
11:07 PM Ben: if i were them
i would have played on the word Bleu
and done something with Bleu cheese
Becks: that could have been good
or an updated chicken cordon bleu
Ben: exactly
Kay “they were going for blue plate special” in response to it tasted like old people food
11:08 PM Fabio conveniently loses his English skills
Ezra: I don’t really understand Fabio’s argument here: Cooking food for lots of people was the challenge.
Becks: VOTE!
Consensus: Lawn Guyland, 2 votes Eugene
OK, 3. Ezra changes his vote
11:09 PM Ben: flip flopper
11:10 PM Becks: Daniel and Eugene are exchanging phone numbers
Ben: Danny and Eugene are trading digits!
Becks: knowing it has to be one of them
11:11 PM Ezra: Awwwww.
Ben: well carla is definitely safe and given the bravo editing, it’s clearly either eugene or danny
Becks: Sure, most chefs would toss the rice out but Eugene comes from a background where you have to make it work
Ezra: Right. Eugene didn’t taste rice till he was 27, and a non-profit bought some for him.
11:12 PM Ben: clearly if you aren’t a bully, you are a born leader
Ezra: And then he began making it by dyeing sand white.
11:14 PM Becks: Ezra flip flops again
OK good
Ezra: Lawn Guyland is out!
Ben: Lawn Guyland just got mowed down
Ezra: Guyland doesn’t think the “judges got what I was doing.”
Becks: Thank god we don’t have to look at that facial hair any longer
They totally made the right decision
Ben: we have just lost a great American accent
11:15 PM Becks: Bababooey
Ben: i’m not sure i got that sports analogy, and i like sports
Ezra: “There are wrong decisions in football games,” says Lawn Guyland. “Someone grabs a jersey, and the refs didn’t see it but the fans did, and they’re booing.”
I’m not booing.
11:16 PM Becks: Next week’s show looks awesome
Ben: and now to tackle one hell of a dirty kitchen

2 responses to “Top Chef Week 5 Liveblog!

  1. Haven’t read yet since it’s not on here yet, but how about a category for these for easy finding later? :)

  2. Tom: It’s a good thought. It appears that right now the categories and tags on the post aggregate all wordpress blogs with that tag or category. We’ll work on it and try to figure out a way!

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