Ezra, Miller, and Becks this week.
10:00 PM it’s go time
we’ve got team hobart and a flophouse rep here tonight
Becks: GO FLOPHOUSE
10:01 PM Ezra: Hey Ben
Isn’t that cute?
Ben: isn’t what cute?
Ezra: How they’re all like “go Flophouse!”
10:02 PM Becks: Liveblogging is going to be rough this week. So full of delicious food.
Thanks to Ben, who made some incredible chicken tikka masala
I can’t handle Melissa’s bangs
Ben: does anyone else think melissa looks kind of like a bad linda hamilton circa terminator 1?
Ezra: Did anyone else notice that there’s actually a “ching!” sound effect when Jeff(rey!) winks the in opening credits?
Ben: Stefan not only cooks, he sews
Ezra: Ariane should mention her age more often.
10:03 PM Ben: i hear she might be 41
Becks: Jamie is adorable
Ben: and that might make her 8,000 years older than everyone else
i really think they need a moratorium on dumb t-shirts
Ezra: Can Stefan turn Jamie by the end of Top Chef?
Ben: pigtailed padma
fabio looks intrigued
Ezra: She’s a lesbian, but he’s a European, which is sort of like being a girl.
Becks: Fabio gives great face
10:04 PM Ben: in that they both like women?
Hosea with the backhanded compliment
Becks: I wouldn’t give someone with that beard credit for having a brain
Ezra: Hosea just complimented Lawn Guyland for having “more of a brain than people give him credit for.” Ouch.
Ben: that’s the cred you get when you don’t go to culinary school
10:05 PM Becks: QUICKFIRE
Ben: if you took hosea’s facial hair, I think you could fill in the gaps in Danny’s hair
and get one complete ugly beard
Ezra: Sauce taste off!
Ben: i bet there’s oil in it
Becks: name that tune-style
Ben: lawn guyland can’t follow rules
10:06 PM Becks: name that tuna
Ben: are they all tasting the same thing?
Ben: WAIT! they put salt in things?
10:07 PM Becks: salt pepper oil
Ben: salt and pepper should not count
nor should olive oil
unfortunately that backwards hat doesn’t cover those ridiculous bangs
10:08 PM Becks: go crazy carla!
Ben: carla looked like a happy dinosaur
Becks: I’m rooting for her IN MY MIND
Ezra: Carla: “I have a good palette. I can think of an ingredient and taste it IN MY MIND.”
Ben: how come they don’t have to say table or kosher salt?
stefan looks so cocky
Becks: but he brought it
Ezra: Stefan is a G!
10:09 PM Becks: we need to get Stefan a cat
to stroke evil-genius style
Ben: i think they should make them spell the ingredients too
ok, who can name things in mole?
10:10 PM Becks: this is kind of unfair for people depending on the linup
Becks: although Carla managed to screw it up big time
Ezra: Stefan/Hosea showdown
I’m rooting for Hosea
10:11 PM Hosea takes it.
Becks: debating whether corn oil and vegetable oil are the same
what vegetables are in veggie oil>?
Ben: gail likes pickle
that’s what we have to look forward to
Becks: somebody google that while I put up the post
Ezra: Commercials note
10:12 PM My mom is was a real housewife in Orange County. She would not have fit into the Bravo show, to say the least.
10:14 PM Ben: apparently it’s about 85% soybean oil. at least in the United State
apparently the other ones are listed in prominence on the label, but can include soy, peanut, corn, etc
10:17 PM i hear satan means a mean curry
10:18 PM i’m disappointed that it’s only a bridal shower so we don’t get to see anyone make a wedding cake
Becks: the men are all crushed that Gail is off the office
off the market
with satan’s mean curry
Ezra: I think Hosea is wrong. Lawn Guyland is retarded. And I think Gail just implied all her friends are fat.
Ben: Gail is name dropping
10:19 PM “we are borrowing from your culture”
Becks: yeah, I think they will start wondering if you can cook something else
Ben Miller, by the way, can cook some Indian
Ben: i like how radhika keeps pulling the “i don’t want to be known as the person who can only cook Indian”, who then only cooks Indian
10:20 PM Becks: blueberries?
Ben: blueberries are kind of purplish
Ezra: Lawn guyland: I know that Gail likes pickles.
Becks: they’re bluer than fish
Ben: they should make pickled blueberries
Ezra: I expected him to go for a high five.
Ben: a pickled surf and turf
Becks: I really object to meat in sushi
it always sounds good but ends up tasting like crap
10:21 PM Ben: carla should have turned to her spirit guides to give her the strength to speak up
Becks: love some fried green tomato
Hosea’s kind of a whiny bitch
Ben: how does one do a tomato carpaccio?
thinly slice some tomatoes?
i could do that with my mandolin
10:22 PM Ezra: Dude
Stefan really is an ass
I’ve really eaten too much food.
Ben: so which one of you is buying me an authentic top chef shirt for christmas?
Ezra: Nope. Wouldn’t an industrial size toaster oven just be an…oven?
10:24 PM Ben: one would think
10:26 PM Becks: Oh man, we had the best scotch eggs at commonwealth
Ben: he’s not making his own?
Becks: They should get some of those big eggs again and scotch them
Ben: shockingly, none of the cheftestants respond when carla uses the call she and her husband share
10:27 PM Becks: but they’re kind of crazy
are you there?
Ben: You’ve been invited to this chat room!
Becks: can you hear me now?
10:28 PM Becks: OK. I might have missed some of your comments due to technical difficulties
10:29 PM Ben: You’ve been invited to this chat room!
But it’s almost certainly “hootie”
Ben: like the blowfish?
Ezra: which is what you’re doing
Becks: My aunt and uncle use the hootie hoot call like that, in earnest
but they’re kinda nuts
10:30 PM Ben: is carla your aunt?
Becks: on the lookout for foreshadowing
“made it a million times” usually = FAIL
10:31 PM Ben: that is a hell of a rice cooker
Becks: Spencer claims his wife is transsexual
Ezra: peach-miso barbecue sauce sounds potentially awesome
Ben: I think you mean Eugene’s
Becks: why chilean sea bass?
Ezra: Eugene is a personal chef for rich people.
Becks: that’s not special
Ezra: His poorer-than-thou schtick is grating.
10:32 PM Becks: note: Spencer’s wife is not a transsexual.
The other guy’s is
Kay is skeptical of tomato sorbet
Ben: Ficke defends it
Becks: Matt and I come to the defense, having had delicious tomato sorbet at Minibar
Ben: i’m agnostic having never had it
but i do like gazpacho
it’s amazing how often they screw rice up
10:33 PM Becks: there is NO SUCH THING as blue food
according to Tom
blue corn flower is smart
Ben: i think if Sara were here, she’d also point out there is lots of blue food
if they are borrowing Ariane’s talent, they aren’t going far
10:34 PM Becks: Tom is very skeptical of the surf and turf sushi
Ben: Tom’s face reads “trainwreck”
Becks: which he should be
Ben: to recap: a cooked sushi roll, with a “special fusion” bbq sauce, and a tomato sorbet
“I’ll let you guys cook” and “screw up the whole challenge”
10:35 PM Becks: married twice to the same woman?
Ezra: I’m really learning a lot about Stefan this week.
For instance: He’s impossible to love.
10:36 PM Becks: That’s a lot of olive oil
Ben: if the texture of your rice is bad
how can adding flavors fix that?
Becks: also, this is the night before, right?
10:37 PM how can letting the rice say overnight make it better>?
or is it later that day?
Ben: mmm crap mixed in your mouth
i think it is the night before
Becks: oh no
Ben: lawn guyland bodybuilder
Becks: people don’t want to build their own sushi
at a party
Ezra: Eugene is letting the guests build their own sushi rolls
Ben: you know what you call making your own sushi roll?
a buffet table
Ezra: Lawn Guyland is slavishly complimenting him
these people are FUCKED.
10:38 PM Ben: why is he lifting weights in his chef’s outfit?
Becks: of course lawn guyland would think it’s a great idea
he thought that facial hair was a great ida
Ezra: I have a brilliant idea for a restaurant!
10:39 PM Ben: well if you’re going to go home, might as well go for it
Ezra: There’ll be, like, a fridge. With food in it.
And a stove.
Becks: deconstructed surf and turf sushi
Ezra: And people can just make whatever they want!
Ben: can we call it my house on a weeknight?
10:41 PM ezra may be on the verge of passing out from laughing at Spencer doing his lawn guyland voice
Ezra: I want to note
I am literally in tears
over this plan
Ben: Kay notes that Amanda totally would have snorted at that exchange
10:42 PM Ezra: I really want to get the YouTube of Lawn Guyland weightlifting and complimenting Eugene’s DIY concept.
Becks:Jamie and Stefan should totally have hate sex
Ezra: And watch it when I feel blue
Ben: why is carla taking part in that exchange?
Ezra: Sexual harassment interlude.
Ben: brought to you by swanson
10:43 PM Becks:We’re debating whether people are sleeping together
but they aren’t allowed to sleep together
Ben: and celebrity chef i’m only on commercials Christopher Lee
Becks:it’s in the rules because they aren’t tested for STDs, like on dating shows
10:44 PM Ben: so those people on blind date DON’T have STDs?
The group decides says they could masterbate in front of each other
Ben: do they test on cheaters?
food, love life, IFA has it all
10:45 PM Becks:oh
Ben: leah likes hosea so much she wants to stab him
Becks:and they have bfs/gfs back home
10:46 PM Ben: i bet leah’s boyfriend is loving watching this
Becks:I thought he said you don’t want a piece of the bride before the wedding
Ben: Ariane’s commentary is so top notch she could be a cable pundit
10:47 PM Becks:yeah, their food doesn’t match that ambiance
I think some of them thought it was going to be milling around at stations
Ben: i wonder if gail really wanted to invite padma
10:48 PM Becks:Gail could totally take Padma
if she needed o
Ezra: No problem.
Becks:She’d totally cut her
Ben: Tom a Bear Pope
10:49 PM Becks:instead of a sorbet they could have done an aspic
tomato aspic would totally be a shower type food
Ezra: That’s a lot of lady.
Becks:and a traditional (and, therefore, old) recipe
Ben: I think if I were naming a restaurant, i wouldn’t call it Dilidio
that’s one I away from hilarity
Becks:more watermelon + tomato
10:50 PM which Spencer really objects to
Ben: much like Senators sausages at the nats ballpark is an apostrophe away from some pissed off fans
make your own sushi much worse at a sit down than at a buffet
Ben: how many times are we about to hear the “uh oh” Bravo noise?
10:51 PM Ezra: I get the feeling many of these chefs have dysfunctional personal lives.
Ben: Lawn Guyland is putting magic mushrooms on the plate
Ezra: Eugene, for instance, believe his “make your own sushi” station a metaphor for Gail’s “choice” to get along with her new husband’s family…or not
Becks:this looks like a total trainwreck
Ezra: And Lawn Guyland adds some splooge to his dish.
Ben: and we offiially have the first reference of “splooge” on top chef
Ezra: I really don’t know what to say.
10:52 PM Ezra: “splooge.”
Becks: from this cookbook, I’m sure
10:53 PM Ben: i’m thinking if you have to tell people how to eat the dish
you’ve got a problem
is that a real book?
Ben: “Ariane has been all over the place”
Becks:that soup is an unreal color
10:54 PM Ezra: The second review is brilliant
“This was the book I’d been waiting for. I eagerly started creating and storing the ingredients for the trifle I was planning to serve in a month at my Grandparents Ruby anniversary – scaling up the measurements for the forty guests. However, when the time came to make the trifle I discovered my eyesight had faded so badly that I could no longer read the recipe. Suffice to say the end result of my blind culinary improvisation severely disappointed my guests at the end of an otherwise delicious meal. ”
Ben: don’t you want rare lamb?
10:55 PM i thought these women take their salad dressing on the side
err rather, don’t
Ezra: Top Chef teamwork!
Becks:compared to the previous course, this is gonna look great
even if they served splooge
Ben: “we borrowed from the non-white one”
Ezra: Imagine if Radika were black
Becks:every time they say they’re borrowing from her culture, it’s SO AWKWARD
Ezra: and they’re “borrowed” from her culture.
10:56 PM Ben: i’m intrigued by smoked paprika oil
Becks:why would you serve sea bass>?
that’s totally boring
Ben: i trust fabio and his seasoning? or, I want to throw him under the bus later?
Becks:although you’re allowed to serve it now
10:57 PM it’s no longer endangered, I read
but still – meh
Ben: i think chilean sea bass still is
chilean sea bass is delicious
i believe regular sea bass is very similar to slamon
Becks:I just read it like last week
Ben: Fabio uses science to impress the women
10:58 PM Ezra: some roasted zweet corn puree and zwiss chard.
Ezra: Tom looks so lonely back there, furtively inhaling the food on his own.
Becks:to fill the pain
Ben: have you ever seen how tom uses silverware?
11:04 PM Ben: You’ve been invited to this chat room!
she’s also always the bridesmaid because there’s only two states jamie can get married
11:05 PM Becks: and now the sucky teams
dude, it’s rice
Ben: i think this is going to be Eugene or Danny
Becks: throw it out
Ben: going home
11:06 PM Ezra: I’ll note
Becks: Oh, Daniel. You were happy?
Ezra: that we saw Daniel working out earlier in the show.
Not just happy
Ben: I think i would pay money to just watch Fabio’s facial expressions throughout the whole show
Ezra: Lawn Guyland is in trouble.
Becks: Lawn Guyland is all in
11:07 PM Ben: if i were them
i would have played on the word Bleu
and done something with Bleu cheese
Becks: that could have been good
or an updated chicken cordon bleu
Kay “they were going for blue plate special” in response to it tasted like old people food
11:08 PM Fabio conveniently loses his English skills
Ezra: I don’t really understand Fabio’s argument here: Cooking food for lots of people was the challenge.
Consensus: Lawn Guyland, 2 votes Eugene
OK, 3. Ezra changes his vote
11:09 PM Ben: flip flopper
11:10 PM Becks: Daniel and Eugene are exchanging phone numbers
Ben: Danny and Eugene are trading digits!
Becks: knowing it has to be one of them
11:11 PM Ezra: Awwwww.
Ben: well carla is definitely safe and given the bravo editing, it’s clearly either eugene or danny
Becks: Sure, most chefs would toss the rice out but Eugene comes from a background where you have to make it work
Ezra: Right. Eugene didn’t taste rice till he was 27, and a non-profit bought some for him.
11:12 PM Ben: clearly if you aren’t a bully, you are a born leader
Ezra: And then he began making it by dyeing sand white.
11:14 PM Becks: Ezra flip flops again
Ezra: Lawn Guyland is out!
Ben: Lawn Guyland just got mowed down
Ezra: Guyland doesn’t think the “judges got what I was doing.”
Becks: Thank god we don’t have to look at that facial hair any longer
They totally made the right decision
Ben: we have just lost a great American accent
11:15 PM Becks: Bababooey
Ben: i’m not sure i got that sports analogy, and i like sports
Ezra: “There are wrong decisions in football games,” says Lawn Guyland. “Someone grabs a jersey, and the refs didn’t see it but the fans did, and they’re booing.”
I’m not booing.
11:16 PM Becks: Next week’s show looks awesome
Ben: and now to tackle one hell of a dirty kitchen