By Spencer Ackerman
You know what I want for Christmas? I want for Christmas to be over so all my friends will stop talking about this miserable holiday. And in one week, I’ll get my wish!
And lucky lucky me, I’ve already had another wish come true. The December issue of Food & Wine reveals that Gail Simmons, the light of my Wednesday nights, is a Jew. Check out her Hannukah recipes. And check out how flawlessly gorgeous a tribeswoman she is. Oh, to hear that she’s becoming another man’s wife.
Yes, yes, Padma Lakshmi, Padma Lakshmi. No one could ever credibly argue that Padma isn’t a stunningly beautiful woman. But whether it’s the marijuana use or the post-Rushdie status anxiety, you never get the sense that Padma enjoys what she’s doing. Meanwhile, Gail never makes an argument or a contention that doesn’t display both expertise and emotional investment. You get the sense that her temperature actually rises and falls on occasion. She’s real. Like a tribeswoman ought to be.
It’s true that I don’t date Jewesses. I fell in love with one and she made me a far more miserable person than I normally am, so I take that as a warning. But Jewgirls: don’t believe that means I don’t love you on general principle. My girlfriend reads this blog so I’m going to stop. But know that I will cook you that brisket and fry you those latkes and we can talk about our sinuses and all the things in life that piss us off.