As If Out Of A Phillip Roth Novel, Top Chef’s Gail Simmons Is A Jewess

By Spencer Ackerman

You know what I want for Christmas? I want for Christmas to be over so all my friends will stop talking about this miserable holiday. And in one week, I’ll get my wish!

And lucky lucky me, I’ve already had another wish come true. The December issue of Food & Wine reveals that Gail Simmons, the light of my Wednesday nights, is a Jew. Check out her Hannukah recipes. And check out how flawlessly gorgeous a tribeswoman she is. Oh, to hear that she’s becoming another man’s wife.

Yes, yes, Padma Lakshmi, Padma Lakshmi. No one could ever credibly argue that Padma isn’t a stunningly beautiful woman. But whether it’s the marijuana use or the post-Rushdie status anxiety, you never get the sense that Padma enjoys what she’s doing. Meanwhile, Gail never makes an argument or a contention that doesn’t display both expertise and emotional investment. You get the sense that her temperature actually rises and falls on occasion. She’s real. Like a tribeswoman ought to be.

It’s true that I don’t date Jewesses. I fell in love with one and she made me a far more miserable person than I normally am, so I take that as a warning. But Jewgirls: don’t believe that means I don’t love you on general principle. My girlfriend reads this blog so I’m going to stop. But know that I will cook you that brisket and fry you those latkes and we can talk about our sinuses and all the things in life that piss us off.

6 responses to “As If Out Of A Phillip Roth Novel, Top Chef’s Gail Simmons Is A Jewess

  1. Eh. We’re square. I didn’t date Jewish boys, either. I married an Anglican. Who eats the brisket and the latkes and the rugelach and the matzo ball soup and the kniches and reminds me every day that it really is possible to go through a day without feeling guilt. Who knew?

  2. also- though i hate to create division amongst our people on The Day Before- Spencer, you spell Chanukah like a goy.

  3. Nigella Lawson is Ashkenazic, ethnically speaking; but she’s not Jewish, religiously speaking. Right up your alley, eh? ;)

  4. I was encouraged when Padma Lakshmi married Salman Rushdie, as most pudgy, middle aged writers probably were. But then she dumped him. She’s gorgeous enough that I could almost ignore the fact that she appears to have the IQ of a turnip.

  5. Pingback: I Am Not Not Calling For Physical Violence Against Top Chef Judge Toby Young (With Personal Reflections) « The Internet Food Association

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s