Top Chef Liveblog

Liveblogging this week is Ezra, Ben Miller, and Kay

Here we go!

Kay: Carla fever: 10-2!
Ezra: Sara’s cupcake-fu is strong this evening.

Kay: Sara’s cupcakes have buttermilk
10:03 PM Ben: Can I just say, barftastic?
Ezra: I’m on Kate’s computer
one of her tabs says “topless”
10:04 PM and it’s “Paul Rudd fights a robot.”
Ben: did you know, that if you google the word “barftastic” you get 7,450 hits
and at least one of those is from the IFA’s wapo article
Kay: Duh, Hosea. It is the “do or die” time
10:05 PM Ben: What were the results of our pre-show poll?
Ezra: Hosea and Stefan really hate each other. Like oil and water. Or Germans and, well, everybody.
10:07 PM Ben: One could say they do not go together like lamb and tuna fish
Kay: Ezra, I am mostly german
this must explain why we don’t get along
Ezra: Richard!
Ben: Marcel is taking douche to a whole different level
Kay: What’s with bringing back the past chefs? Ratings ditch?
Ben: What is that red spot on Stefan’s dome?
I’m actually ok with this
10:08 PM Ezra: Hosea should take Richard and let him choose, and cook, the finale
Ben: i think it’s cooler because we’ve seen them cook before and know more about them than say the celebrity cooks we had last year
Kay: Did they just allow “twat” to be broadcast on television?
10:09 PM Ben: Oooh foie gras showdown!
Kay: Baldies fight!
Ben: The extent to which Stefan is in Hosea’s head is rather incredible
10:10 PM of course, if we were in New York, they couldn’t even make foie gras
cause it’s illegal there
Ezra: I’m starting to think Hosea is in Stefan’s head, too.
Ben: jarred scallops that are being smelled
that doesn’t strike me as that great
10:11 PM Ezra: Stefan is sure whining a lot.
Man am I happy to see Richard.
Ben: The last time I saw Ezra this excited was when he discovered a movie about politics on TV starring two of his favorite actors
Kay: This is Carla’s secret strategy. Stefan and Hosea fight it out, take each other down, and she slides by them
Ben: have you ever had anything sous vide?
Ezra: Oh crap. Carla should not sous vide if she does not know how to sous vide.
Ben: i have not
Kay: Uh oh. Maybe not.
Ezra: Me neither.
Ben: i’m curious, but I don’t think i’d try that myself

Ezra: I definitely would not try it in the final if I had never tried it before and if it was inimical to my simple, earthy style

Ben: you should use those bones to make stock
Kay: The treat is voodoo?

Ben: Gator! (if it’s crocodile, I’m sorry)
Ezra: This is stupid. Just let them cook. It’s the final.
Kay: Gator is totally Nawleans
Ben: Didn’t they do something like this last time?
and don’t you forget that
10:18 PM uh oh, maybe they cooked the baby in there, creating lava baby!
Kay: King Cake! Too bad this show airs the day AFTER Mardi Gras.
Ben: yes, i know that there are crabs from louisiana, but that’s thoroughly unimpressive
Hosea got to pick first and got the baby
is this his lucky night?
10:19 PM Is America ready for its first non-culinary school trained chef?
Kay: Hosea should salt-encrust that shit
Ezra: Hisea should LET RICHARD COOK IT.
Ben: is that a sharp knife or what, he went right through that gator
10:20 PM Kay: Yeah, I had gator once at the Minnesota state fair. But it was in sausage form.
Ben: ok Carla, you are from DC you better know how to handle that crab
10:21 PM Ezra: I’m with Ben. This is like being asked to name the Speaker of the House. If you’re from Germany, maybe you don’t know. if you’re from DC?
Ben: I’d almost argue that gator is a better option than crab, because crab is really best steamed with old bay or on top of something else, so it’s harder to get a really interesting dish with it by itself
Kay: I think I’m with Ben on this one.
10:22 PM Crab, though delicious, tends to be served the same way.
Ben: I will also say, Stefan has not been afraid to make desserts, in some respects, he might be one of the most well-rounded chefs we’ve seen in terms of being able to do both sweet and savory
Casey also seems more aggressive in her suggestions than the other chefs do

Kay: Also, apparently “Don’t pee on my shoes and tell me it’s raining.”
10:31 PM Ezra’s getting budget numbers, so we’re going to go on without him.
Ben: Ezra’s on the phone, so if you want to say bad things about him, now’s the time
for example
Ezra’s on the phone, so we are down to two for a little while
10:32 PM that appears to be a pancake with a piece of fish on it
Hugo Keller and Kris Kristoferson, separated at birth?
10:33 PM This is where the tv doesn’t do it justice, to me that looks like a cupcake, but i’d imagine that the texture is closer to cornbread, which would be much better with that
Kay: Why is Toby Young back?
Ben: Thats really unfortuante that he made it back
10:34 PM so who won that round?
i’m thinking maybe Hosea
Ezra: Can Fabio be impartial? He loves Stefan!
10:35 PM Ben: So the real question, is who does the final verdict come down to, I assume Gail and not Toby
Kay: They kiss each other, it’s true.
Ben: or rather it better be Gail and not Toby
Carpaccio’s don’t do much for me
i’d like a bigger piece of meat
Amanda says Hosea’s presentation is a mess
but notably, she does not say it is barftastic
10:36 PM You know why Carla’s dish was good? She was the only one who cooked anything!
Kay: Maybe he’s going back to overrated “deconstruction”
Ezra: Hosea should have let Richard season.
Kay: Yeah, Hosea’s popped you IN the eye.
10:37 PM Ben: In general, I don’t like freezing my fish and then reheating it or letting it thaw
it just isn’t the same
Kay: Agreed.
Ben: Stefan’s plate could use some green
So Carla sous vide it and grilled it?
10:38 PM Ezra: Stefan’s “fois gras” foam looked like he spit on the plate.
Ben: I like Hosea’s dish in presentation the most
but seared scallops is super cliche
you know why Carla’s dish lacked soul? cause it’s casey’s dish
Matt is psyched at what he sees as an impending finnish victory
Ezra: Carla lost on this dish for a good reason: She let Casey cook it. It wasn’t Carla.
10:39 PM Ben: Branford may eat foie gras all day, just not in New York City, San Francisco and several other places
Stefan, in English we don’t say more easy, we say easier
Ben: but i have to say, i really like vension
10:40 PM Kay: Venison is sooo good.
Ben: Can i just say how much Casey has screwed Carla here?
Kay: Especially venison jerky.
Ben: I agree Carla’s decision not to serve, but I think she’s done
Kay: Aw, Carla’s going to do the girl thing and lose confidence.
Ezra: That’s a serious dessert Stefan made.
Ben: Stefan’s dish is gorgeous, though a lot going on
10:41 PM you can hear her disappointment in her voice
Ezra: Fuck, Carla. Stop snitching ON YOURSELF.
Kay: She looks like she’s going to cry
Ben: Do you think that they use palette cleansers? I’d imagine it’s weird to go from Hosea’s to Stefan’s dish
10:42 PM I think Stefan played it safe again
10:43 PM Ezra: Revenge of Richard!
Kay: Ugh, what if Hosea wins? Then we were ALL wrong.
Ben: it would be consistent…
or at least we would be consistent
Kay: No, Carla, Casey screwed you over.
10:44 PM Ben: Amanda points out that Hosea is eating one of Stefan’s lollipops
Ezra: Hosea was not barftastic.

10:46 PM Kay: 6 of us say Stefan wins, 5 say Hosea, 1 says Carla.
10:47 PM Kay: I really wanted to vote for Carla, but I think she lost it at the end.
I switched from Carla to Stefan

It’s interesting because in earlier seasons they made a big deal about how they could bring certain ingredients with them, but that’s totally faded away
10:49 PM Tom could patent that eye roll
Toby Young, “I only know how to express myself in asshole British.”
Ezra: It’s not British. It’s just asshole.
And pretentious asshole at that.
Carla is dumping everything on Casey. Carla is the chef!
10:50 PM Ben: I actually think that she’s not, but that’s the clear implication
they are reading between the lines
10:51 PM Ezra: ToBY emPHAsiZES tOO maNY pARTs of hIS WwORDs.
Ben: This is really a dumb setup, you don’t have to do a dessert, but we’re going to ding you for not doing it
10:52 PM No Finnish alligator?
Kay: The return of the squab. Will there be a generational divide?
10:53 PM Ezra: Watching Gayle and Toby at the same table is really reminding me of how much I loathe Toby. Toby’s commentaries are all about him and showcasing his words. Gayle comments on the foods.
Ben: Stefan needs to remember this is not an overall competition
or at least purportedly it’s not
Carla is too harsh on herself
Kay: I can totally relate.
10:54 PM Aw, everyone
s sad.
Ben: Why is Stefan getting so upset about this?
It seems almost out of character for him
Kay: Sara insists he’s not mean. He’s just Finnish.
10:55 PM Ben: I really think the middle dishes for both were uninspired
sorry, the second out of 4
Padma’s contributions are pedestrian at best
10:56 PM and at their worst, are barftastic
Kay: Carla wins the popular vote!
It’ll be like Al Gore in 2000.
Ben: Stefan was high on alligator
and then sobered up
10:57 PM I really think you could make the Tom eye roll into a drinking game
granted it would only last about 10 minutes
but there’d be a lot of drinking

I guarantee that Tom’s line was scripted
Kay: I guess he has to say it’s “exceptional” since Carla already cried.
Totally scriptied.
11:02 PM Ben: a victory for the uneducated!
Kay: scripted*
Ben: see kids, you don’t have to go culinary school
Spencer wants to see his birth certificate
Ezra: You can’t lose with Richard! Unless, of course, you’re Richard.
Ben: I think Stefan coasted way too much
that and xenophobia did him in
Kay: Aw, look at Hosea trying to be all gracious.
11:03 PM Ezra: Also: Fuck Europe.
This is the Obama era. We’re number one.
Ben: and Leah makes out with HOsea
11:04 PM Kay: That capitalized O was totally intentional
Ben: And with that, the season’s over
Thanks for everyone who read our liveblogs and our friends who opened their homes and kitchens to us
Now time to wash some dishes
Kay: We loves you.
Ezra: Also, can we just say: Hosea cheated on his girlfriend, grew fixated on Stefan, and won nearly no challenges. He was not the best chef.
But he had Richard on his team.


40 responses to “Top Chef Liveblog

  1. hootie!

  2. Carla, don’t sous vide the beef If you have never done it before!

  3. everyone is rooting for carla, right? i mean…obviously?

  4. Stupid prerecorded TV. My hootie hooing will do nothing to change the outcome.

  5. Sous vide? Truly bizarre. Even if it comes out incredibly well, I still think it is a mistake. The challenge is to cook with your passion, if you can’t be true to your style and your inspiration then why are you even on the show?

  6. tweet’d too, but, the fuck? Stefan doesn’t know what the final challenge is ahead of time?

  7. all i know about sous vide is that if thomas keller wrote an entire cookbook about it, it can’t be “easy,” casey.

  8. I’m hoping that the sous vide is actually not a big deal, and it’s the only way to create drama from Carla’s total domination.

  9. crazy ingredients like soft shell crab?

  10. Seriously, has there been a more unlikeable person in the history of this show on almost every level than Hosea?

  11. My dad worked his way through graduate school as a Commander’s Palace waiter under Paul Prudhomme in the mid-70s. Dad’s a peaceful man, but the thought of Prudhomme still fills him with rage. Incidentally, Dad’s favorite customer was Tip O’Neill.

  12. casey now responsible for two of carla’s dishes

  13. also, apparently not softshells

  14. um..I can’t watch the Dr. Pepper commercials

  15. Toby Young: less lovely and delightful

  16. 1- Sous vide is easy if you know the temps and times. If not…
    2- IFAers, you may have had something sous-vide without realising it. Many chefs, Keller included, don’t mark the technique on their menus. And with a blowtorch-applied sear it’s hard to spot unless it’s one of the weird ones.

  17. hosea’s dish is dumb. anyone can do that.

  18. Yay Carla!

  19. Why did she listen to Casey?

  20. Am I the only one who thinks that tasting side by side is really the wrong way to do this? I know these people have great palates (minus Padma) but it seems like the person who makes the dish that is least like the others in that round of dishes has the huge edge.

  21. Oh noes, Carla did a Richard and Hosea is gonna win.

  22. Well Carla, you’ll always be the people’s champion.

  23. i agree with hosea on the dessert thing, as much as it pains me

  24. I know I am the resident Hosea hater but notice how the “arrogant, mean one” was the one who went over to comfort his fellow contestant while Hosea stood there like a chump.

  25. I agree Jesse..and now Hosea is rubbing it in. “I did MY food.” Twat.

  26. NOW top chef has jumped the shark

  27. Bah! Stupid Hosea.

  28. It is truly pathetic that Hosea is still talking about Steffan in his interview about winning the whole thing.

  29. RT @gailsimmons “So there it is. Josea is Top Chef! I am sure some will think it should have gone another way, but I assure you his final meal was best! Yay!”


  30. If Stefan was any more inside Hosea’s head it would be like that Cylon thing on BSG.

    Poor Carla.

  31. Hosea is the chef at a seafood restaurant and has consistently put forward underwhelming seafood dishes. And now he is top chef. Blah.

  32. Top Chef really blew the finale.

    The final challenge should be unconstrained and all about the best food the chefs themselves can cook under ideal circumstances. Here they gave them too much time pressure, randomly assigned surprise ingredients (some of which were trickier than other ones), and randomly assigned sous chefs. Previous seasons have had sous chefs but they only assisted on the first day and under less time pressure. The format here made their contribution too significant.

    And to add insult to injury, Toby is back.

  33. Check out this great little interview with Steph from last season from a wine blog I read:

    Make sure to look out for the last question/response.

  34. The carnitas at Chipotle is sous vide

  35. Ezra forgot that Hosea threw Ariane under the bus at one point. Worst Top Chef ever.

    Richard Blais has a nice blog post a few weeks ago. His analogy was that Top Chef is a goose and everyone gets an egg; one egg is worth $100,000 but everyone else gets one, too, maybe a different golden egg. From last season, would you rather have Stephanie’s egg or Richard’s egg? From this season, would you rather have Fabio’s new-TV-deal egg, Carla’s love-egg, Stefan’s egg, or Hosea’s egg?

  36. Having lived on the gulf coast for a decade or so, I don’t get Ben’s comments about blue crabs. The Louisiana and Texas fisheries produce a tremendous amount of crab. Given the decline in the Chesapeake Bay crab population and the relative stability of the Gulf’s population, it is very probable that many folks in MD and DC have eaten quite a few crabs from down south.

    The other comment along the lines of crab being only best suited for steaming is truly mystifying. Come on down to New Orleans or Houston and find out about some of the other very delicious and inventive things that can be done with blue crab.

  37. If Stefan was any more inside Hosea’s head it would be like that Cylon thing on BSG.

    It took me a minute to figure out what this meant. This comment is awesome.

  38. @Tim

    It was more a combination of me kidding/regional bias. Growing up in Baltimore I can’t in good conscience defend doing anything with crabs except making them into crabcakes or steaming them with incredible amounts of Old Bay. The Natty Boh guy would have my head otherwise.

  39. I kinda figured that might be the case, but I didn’t want to miss a chance to indulge in a little blue crab boosterism.

    Here is a link to what one gulf coast chef is doing with jumbo lumps…

  40. I was so genuinely sad for Carla that she made decisions that lost it for her. She’s one of those people you can’t stand to see cry. Even Stephan was upset by it.

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